What I Wanted


Last Saturday I went to my nephew’s second birthday party. While there I talked to my brother-in-law’s brother-in-law. Trust me, I know it’s a mouthful. His sister recently wrote, directed, and starred in a feature film. I became an instant fan. To begin, it was incredibly well done. Also, kudos to her for chasing and capturing her dreams. While talking he noted my knowledge of the industry and asked me if it was a hobby.

I heard myself say it was something I used to study. I rambled about it being something I used to want to do. Slowly but purposefully I retreated to the next room. I said the words in the past tense and it shook me.

To be clear, I’d still like to win an Academy Award. The speech has been half-written for many years and I’ve rehearsed into a hairbrush on several occasions. Regardless, I think I’ll write a script in completion for my own personal satisfaction. And I might do other crazy stuff that I used to consider, dream, or practice as well.

I guess my point is that I don’t like to talk in the past tense about stuff like this because it shouldn’t have an age or experience expiration. Listen, I understand practicality and purpose more than most, but I also understand defiance and determination. It feels good to think that the best is still ahead of me.

I like to imagine a big vault where some of my wildest and most authentic dreams reside. Every now and then I envision opening the vault and extracting a few from the bank. I take them into the world refreshed and refocused to see if they’re strong enough. More importantly,  I like to see if I’m strong enough.

Dreams don’t have to come true for them to have a purpose. But many of my dreams are centered on something more meaningful than whimsical wishes. Several of them are significant and satiable.

I don’t want to archive hope. I refuse to bank talent. It’s not the time for past tense. Here’s to the power of present tense. It’s what I want.