Live in the Mud


The other day I was on the phone with my mom lamenting about life. I think my tune went something like this, “I need a month of no expectations, responsibilities, drama, sickness, death, or general bad news.” I heard her smile. I continued on despite the inclination that she was about to launch into a lecture. “I’m tired. I need a break from everything. Is this what it means to be an adult, mom?”

Enter lecture. In all her motherly wisdom she reminded me that my burdens were someone else’s blessings. But she also shook me with one unexpected line. In an extra-sweet tone, she said, “This is it, hun. It’s life.”

Motherly wisdom for the win!

These last few years have humbled me beyond belief. There’s been babies, job changes, multiple moves, death, cancer, and a general overwhelming shift of comfort in my life. Even those some of these events aren’t directly happening to me, and many of them have only reaffirmed the transience of life itself, I am still befuddled by my realities.

On the whole, I live a pretty awesome life. My husband and two sweet girls are a constant source of joy and inspiration. I am surrounded by a loyal family and hilarious and generous friends.  I am truly grateful for my life and the decisions that gifted me my now.

But because this is a no bullshit zone, sorry for the language, mom, I feel the need to own that I have no clue how to deal with life. It’s relentless. And while I remain rooted in my choices and convictions, it’s still hard to figure out how to deal with things on the regular.

I don’t think I struggle because I’m ill-prepared.  I don’t believe I cry because it’s too hard. It’s just as I get older I see time and life for what it is, fleeting, and I get frustrated when I fail to live accordingly.

I get that I can’t sail the world, swim with dolphins, or do any other bucket list item on a whim. There are people that rely on me, bills to pay, and steps to get there. But, I also don’t want to get wrapped up in complaints, endless why me therapy sessions with a friend, or general exhaustion from routine.

And while fika helps me strike a balance, I sometimes fail to adhere to the balance outside of my talks or writings.

Life is so incredibly interesting. Age and experience are truly tied together. And while I like to grow in my abilities and expand through experiences, I also love to stop and savor things too.

Let me be clear, I am happy. It’s just entirely too easy these days to believe our burdens are chains instead of chances.  My mom is right. This is life. It’s full of beautiful moments, gentle glimpses, and humbling events. And maybe I looked at my approach wrong. Maybe it’s not about dealing with life. In fact, like much of the world, maybe I need to do more living than dealing.

I own that when I’m at my muddiest point, I’m vulnerable. For me, that’s the true essence of life these days. I’m at my muddiest point. But, how we live in the mud makes the tales of our lifetime.